Intro

Why I set this page up

One of the two acquaintances, asked “Who is most responsible for the problems that lead to divorce; men or women?”  I was with a close friend, and we were commenting about relationships.  We have both experienced divorce and so this subject is not uncommon for us to discuss.  It was just on this occasion we had an audience – the two acquaintances being two African gentlemen.  Joseph and Emmanuel had just merely been listening in to our conversation until eventually Joseph asked me that question.  Of course my friend knew what to expect from me “Oh, men easily cause the majority of the problems within marriages” I replied.

“You weren’t expecting that answer, were you?”  Noticing their shocked expressions, my friend Joan just had to comment!    

I have not met either of Joseph’s or Emmanuel’s wives, however I have frequently been in the company of West African women.  They are typically neither unopinionated nor quiet!  I decided to offer these African men advice regarding their daughters.  Again I do not know them well enough to know even whether they have daughters or not.  Just the same, I pointed out that as men understand men then it was in their daughters’ interest that they had a good relationship with their father.  Only after establishing a good relationship would a daughter be happy to seek the advice from their father regarding the nature of any prospective groom.  This is the best strategy for a woman to avoid making the mistake of marrying the wrong man. 

Although I was not addressing Joan, I was conscious about her relationship with her own father.   Had I been replying to her, my advice would not necessarily have been any different, but I would have presented it in a more sensitive context.  Her father had been a violent man and her mother had been the victim of most of it.  So in one fell swoop I had gone from putting a smile on Joan’s face to offering myself up to her criticism.  “Well, I have to say that I find some of you opinions are somewhat old fashioned, and in these modern times women are capable of relying on their own judgement!”  I was not going to further antagonise Joan, so I left the conversation there.

Whenever I face a question or comment I find challenging, I will ponder upon it until I make a conclusion I am satisfied with.  I might go away and think about this even if I gave a response that the other person was impressed by.  Frequently this may only take a day or two of contemplation.  On this occasion with Joan, I was content within an hour. However, I have been known to take months to arrive at a point of personal substantiation.  On one occasion, I was stumped on a challenge for a number of years!  

At no point chatting with Joan, Joseph and Emmanuel had I been asked about Islam or how a Muslim might approach finding ‘Miss Right’ (sons would do well to confide with their mothers to gain from their intuition and experience too).  Rather, what I said was as a result of the combination of my own personal experience with the reflection of the teachings of Islam.  I do this constantly.  It is ingrained in my mind after thirty years of honing the reconciliation between getting through the day to day challenges, with how Islam seeks to solve those challenges.  It does not take too much imagination to realise that frequently a Muslim living in secular England will constantly find themselves in circumstances that contradict the teachings of Islam.  It may be subtle, like being told a lewd joke or explicit, like a government policy designed to solve the problem of Islam breeding terrorism.  I am no

saint, however when I speak it is always after mulling over certain considerations – Is this allowed in Islam?  What would Prophet Muhammed (SAW) do?  What is the solution from Islam?  And what is the best way to explain my conclusion?  As a middle aged man I have found that both Muslims and non-Muslims frequently give my thoughts due consideration.  The only difference is, with Muslims I directly reference the source I am using to justify my conclusions. 

Initially, it upset me that I had unintentionally offended Joan.  Despite appearances, I don’t like upsetting people, I frequently take it to heart.  Then I realised that as Joan is an atheist, she was bound to find my opinions ‘old fashioned’ as they are based on teachings that are over 1,400 years old.  

Welcome to Abdul’s World.